Tomorrow is closing! I've felt antsy and unfocussed all day. This evening, I was wandering around the kitchen trying to straighten things up, and absentmindedly ate a few chocolate covered espresso beans. That hasn't helped my antsy factor whatsoever. I'm tired of waiting for tomorrow to come, and I wish it was just over so I could funnel my antsiness into doing things that are productive on the house.

I have to have a list of my last 10 years of addresses for the closing, so today after work I drove around to the two places I couldn't remember the addresses of. I've had a lot of anxiety this last week about whether I'm making the right choice. Not for right now, I definitely feel like it's the right choice for me right now. But I wonder if I'll regret my decision down the road. I wonder if I'll wish I'd done something else with this accumulated pile o' money I just cashed out. I wonder if the real estate market will crash now that I'm in it. I wonder if I'll lose my job. I hold this cashiers check and think about how that's about how much I made my entire first year out of college. But driving past these other places I once lived made me realize how much I am making the right decision. I drove past the apartment on Girard and thought about the horrible little kitchen I had no control over changing and the awful landlord who kept insisting there were clauses in the lease that were either made up or totally illegal. That was also the apartment I was living in when I had my accident, so there are a lot of associations with it from the healing process I went through. In the months mmediately following my release from the hospital I stayed at my mom's condo, only going to the apartment periodically to get my mail and to slowly climb the stairs to sit in the apartment for a few minutes and fantasize about a time in my life when I hadn't been broken and when everything had been normal. After about 4 or 5 months, I moved back to the apartment only to discover that in my absence silverfish had slowly been taking over. I tried a few ideas I found online to get rid of the silverfish, and none of them worked. So many negative associations with that apartment. I also drove past the house I rented a room in when I was working at the U. I had fun living there at first, but it was way too many people for the amount of bathroom and kitchen that was there. I wondered what had happened to the housemate that I'd had a crush on. Last I heard he'd stopped working at the food co-op and had taken a job at the Y downtown. I also wondered if my housemate who'd finished her PhD in chemistry was enjoying her postdoc in Ireland.

Driving past these other places I'd lived, I realize how little personal investment I'd ever had in any of them. When a problem came up (like silverfish I couldn't get rid of), I'd tend to move on rather than investing time in dealing with the problem. I know it will be more fulfilling to live somewhere that I can custom alter to suit my tastes, but I also think it will be good for me to live somewhere that I'm invested in, where I deal with the problems that come up instead of moving out to someplace shinier.

I wonder what sort of associations and memories I'll have centered around this house years from now. I hope they're mostly positive. Twelve more hours until it's mine.

Well, mine and the bank's.



April 2017

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